I have to get some emotions out or I might blow up. Although I have worked in a hospital for 7 years and I have never seen spontaneous combustion due to emotional overload.
Come to think of it, I have never seen spontaneous combustion at all. But my emotions are eating at me.(again figuratively) I have been undergoing various treatment for fertility over the last year. Each time the negatives results come back they also serve up a side of cynicism. Jeff and I have been trying for a baby for over 2 years, which doesn't seem like a long time out loud, but each month and the time between each doctors appointment seems like an eternity.
Since October, we have been meeting with a fertility specialist at a clinic in Mt. Pleasant, SC. We have been taking drugs for this and drugs for that. The drug cocktail looks like something that would be given to a terminal patient. However, I know infertility is not fatal, but it is sucking the life out of me. After Thanksgiving we began on an injectable journey. Each night I must take an injection in my stomach full of a hormone that most women's bodies create naturally. earlier in the year I was taking medication to help my body produce it, My body may be more stubborn than my mom ever thought I was as a teenager!!! and didn't produce the hormone, so now I am directly shooting that hormone into my body so there aren't any excuses. I was given a small does at first due to the fact the Dr. didn't quite know how my stubborn body would react. we took these injections for 4 day and went back for a follow-up.
To our dismay it didn't do ANYTHING. This was the most devastating news I would receive up to this point. I sat in car and cried an Oscar Award winning cry! Crocodile tears, chin quiver, mascara running, calling out to God... the works. What my doctor failed to clarify was that this did
not qualify as a "cycle." I was under the impression that we would be waiting until the following month to try again with the drugs, hormones, and injections. Not the case. We were instructed to double dose that night. This was the good news to know we would not have to wait another 30 days.
We upped the dosage, but found out 3 days later it still hadn't worked. This time I asked quantifying questions: How long should we expect to wait for results? Answer: a while. Then the "Italian Attitude" made an appearence...I let her know I needed numbers, good and bad scenarios, also that there would be no more "it's progressing nicely" or "its gonna be while" or " we're not there yet" excuses. I then asked her to not overlook questions or pass me off to someone else to answer a questions that I can easily find the answer on google while I am sitting in your office. I need logic and facts.
So fast forward to day 19 of a cycle that I THOUGHT would only be 8 days long. We are still taking injections to help to create some mature follicles for inseminate. Saturday's appointment was a little more positive than any previous appointment. We got the word that we are aiming for insemination to take place on Tuesday, Dec 21st. We should have 2 follicles that are maturing enough to offer us a chance. At midnight we took a trigger shot that should put us into the ideal setup for insemination. Jeff and I will both be heading into the Dr.'s office on Tuesday Morning. We won't know if anything has worked until after New Year's, but still things are moving up.
We both decided that this will be our one shot, at least until the summer when I don't have to work. This emotional roller coaster is horrendous! Not a ride I want to get back on anytime soon.
You are probably wondering why I am putting this on my blog...
1. Because I can. It is my blog, I can post anything I want.
2. On the first Dr. Appointment with the fertility clinic, I asked the doctor is there was anything I could do on my side to help my chances of conceiving after his diagnosis of PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and he said if I dropped 10% of my body weight, it could only help. So I had weighed in at 154.0 lbs. (for all you non-math types this would be dropping almost 16 lbs. bringing me down to a shocking/skeletal 138) I haven't weighed that since 8th grade. So I have resorted to the only 2 things I know about that will actually produce results. Weight Watchers and Running. For the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been working with WW and my gym to hit my goal as soon as possible.
I weigh in every week on Monday night. I have lost 6 lbs.during the first 2 weeks and will be weighing in tonight. I also have the holidays working against me. This is the time of year that the majority of people gain weight. However, I am totally up for the challenge. I have logged a whole bunch of miles these last 2 weeks and feeling the positive effects of more choices in my wardrobe! I'm logging miles every day, hoping to hit my goal sooner rather than later.
So if you are reading this please, do not feel sorry for me, we all have obstacles in life to deal with and this happens to be mine. I will overcome it one way or another. This is just the race I am running right now. There is always a finish line and then another race and if we keep going we'll always get there. So I'm off, because I have miles to go before I sleep.
